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Collection Of Jokes
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On their way to getting married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. They find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates, waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they ask him. St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked that. Let me go and find out,' and he leaves.
The couple sit and wait, and wait. Two months pass and the couple is still waiting. As they wait, they discuss that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered. 'Are we stuck together forever?'
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' says the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Can we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
'What's wrong?' ask the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!' St. Peter shouts, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?'
On their way to getting married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident... : funny
The couple sit and wait, and wait. Two months pass and the couple is still waiting. As they wait, they discuss that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered. 'Are we stuck together forever?'
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' says the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Can we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
'What's wrong?' ask the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!' St. Peter shouts, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?'
On their way to getting married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident... : funny
A teacher instructs her fifth-grade class to ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end. : funny
A teacher instructs her fifth-grade class to ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end. The next day the kids come in and share their stories: "My daddy told me about my uncle Dave," says one boy. "He was a pilot in Vietnam and had to bail out over enemy territory with nothing but a flask of whisky, a pistol and a knife. He drank the whisky during the drop, then landed in the middle of 20 enemies. He shot 15, stabbed 3 and killed the last 2 with his bare hands." "What is the moral of this horrible story?" yelps the mortified teacher.
"Stay away from Uncle Dave when he's drinking."
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home..'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes.. Take your wife home.'
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
Moral: Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks:
“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
Moral: People named Bob are ****ing awesome
A son goes to his father and ask him to explain the difference between figuratively and literally. The father tells the son that he should go to his mother and sister and ask them if they would sleep with the mailman for a million dollars. He goes to each of them and they both answer yes. He goes back to his father with their answers. His father now explains to him that figuratively we are sitting on 2 million dollars, literally we are living with two whores.
Moral: People are whores.
Man goes to a woman "Would you sleep with my mate for a million dollars?" Woman: "Yeh, I would" Man: "OK, how about 100?" Woman: "Do you think I'm a whore??" Man: "We've already established that; now we're just working out a price"
A man bursts into his house and yells, "Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery!" She says, "Oh wonderful!! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?" He replies, "I don't care, just get the **** out!"
A teacher instructs her fifth-grade class to ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end. The next day the kids come in and share their stories: "My daddy told me about my uncle Dave," says one boy. "He was a pilot in Vietnam and had to bail out over enemy territory with nothing but a flask of whisky, a pistol and a knife. He drank the whisky during the drop, then landed in the middle of 20 enemies. He shot 15, stabbed 3 and killed the last 2 with his bare hands." "What is the moral of this horrible story?" yelps the mortified teacher.
"Stay away from Uncle Dave when he's drinking."
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home..'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes.. Take your wife home.'
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
Moral: Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks:
“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
Moral: People named Bob are ****ing awesome
A son goes to his father and ask him to explain the difference between figuratively and literally. The father tells the son that he should go to his mother and sister and ask them if they would sleep with the mailman for a million dollars. He goes to each of them and they both answer yes. He goes back to his father with their answers. His father now explains to him that figuratively we are sitting on 2 million dollars, literally we are living with two whores.
Moral: People are whores.
Man goes to a woman "Would you sleep with my mate for a million dollars?" Woman: "Yeh, I would" Man: "OK, how about 100?" Woman: "Do you think I'm a whore??" Man: "We've already established that; now we're just working out a price"
A man bursts into his house and yells, "Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery!" She says, "Oh wonderful!! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?" He replies, "I don't care, just get the **** out!"
a teacher instructs her fifth-grade class to ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end. : Funny
Nice to see a redditor on board.
You a regular?
Nice to see a redditor on board.
You a regular?
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner!"
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly.
"The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around 2 a.m., the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
----
For decades, two nude statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park until one day, an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," the angel said, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, during which time you can do anything you want."
With a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. They smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dived behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself and he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.
After 15 minutes, they emerged, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looks at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?" Grinning even more broadly, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on it's head!"
----
So a guy goes to the doctor one day.
The doc says "How can I help you today sir?"
The guy says "Well d-d-d-doctor, I have this st-st-stuttering p-p-p-problem. Is there anything you can d-d-d-do?
The doc says "Well lets take a look," and proceeds to give him a full examination.
A few days later, he calls the guy in and says "We've examined your situation and it appears that you have an enlarged penis which is pulling down on your abdominal area, which then is putting stress on your lungs, and then to your trachea, which is what is causing the stuttering."
The man was dispirited.
"There's good news though," said the doctor. "We can perform an operation and attach a regular sized penis to you, which should cure your condition."
The man replied "Let's d-d-d-do it!"
So they perform the operation and everything goes off without a hitch. A few months go by, and the man comes back in.
He says "Hey doc, I really love having full control of my voice now, that part's great. Unfortunately, I've lost a few girlfriends recently because I can't seem to do the same things in bed anymore. Is there any way we can reverse the operation? Did you save my old penis in a jar or anything?
The doc replies "F-f-f-f-**** no!"
----
So Robinson is sitting on his island alone one day looking out across the sea, when he sees a cruise ship approaching. The ship lands and there is a lot of hulabaloo about finding Robinson after being stranded on a deserted island for 20 years.
A gorgeous, young journalist is on the ship, and she comes down and asks Robinson for an interview. Robinson, not being ashamed about being naked says, "Okay."
As the interview is going on, the journalist is getting more and more distracted by the fact that Robinson is naked and has a pronounced member.
She asks him, "Robinson, for 20 years you've been on this island alone, what did you do for sex?"
Robinson replies, "It wasn't easy, but, you see that tree stump over there?"
"Yes," she says,
"Well," he continues, "you see the hole in it?"
"Yes?" she answers.
"I had sex with that stump's hole for the last twenty years."
"Oh," she replies astonished, "I feel bad for you, you are a very handsome man, and after the interview, it would be a pleasure to give you the pleasure of sex for the first time in twenty years."
Robinson replies, "Alright, but I'm not sure you can handle it..."
She smiles. So after the interview, they find a spot and she undresses and lies down. Robinson looks at her, then he backs up about 20 feet. The journalist is a bit confused, still smiling though. Then Robinson starts running at her, and her smile is getting bigger and bigger. As he reaches her, he kicks her as hard as he can in the vaginè, and she starts screaming.
"Why, Robinson," she screams, "why would you kick me, we were about to have sex?!!??"
"Well maam," Robinson replies, "I had to check for squirrels."
----
So James gets shipwrecked on an island with a dog and a pig. They get along alright, but one evening, as they watch the sunset, James starts getting amorous feelings towards the pig. The dog, noticing this, starts growling, and James backs off and controls himself.
After a few years, a beautiful young woman gets shipwrecked on the same island. James is a perfect gentleman, and the woman slowly warms to his winning and charming disposition.
One evening, as they watch the sunset, she can no longer restrain herself. She tells James of her undying gratitude and her desire to repay him in some way.
James looks at her, and tells her that there is one thing he has been missing in his long years on the island.
The woman says she'd love to give him anything he desires.
James looks at her and asks, "Can you take the dog for a walk?"
----
Their's a old woman looking for a B-day gift for her husband, shes been married to him for over 30 years. So she heads into a shady street corner pet shop, and see a sign that states SEX FROG $500, she ask the clerk about it, and he reply's "Its suppose to be able to give the best blow jobs around, but IDK I've never tried it," Now she thinking about how much she hates to suck his cock, and that gagging on the pubs makes her want to vomit...I'LL TAKE IT!! she yells to the clerk.
So later that night while at the dinner table her husband asked, "Hey ol'ladie what cha got in the box there?..she slides the box down towards him and says.."Happy ****in birthday, I hope it does you a good job cause I'm finally done with it". he gives her a puzzling look while opening the box.. When he gets the box open he pulls the frog out and screams "What in the damn hell is this?' she reply's "Its a sex frog its suppose to give the best Bjs around , and I hope it ****in does the job, cause I'm not doing it anymore on ya. and if not I'm still not going to do it anymore.**** you I'm going to bed..
So at 4am the woman wakes to the sounds of pots and pans in the kitchen being banged around, she walks down stairs to see every cooking item is pulled out and turned on, with cook books scattered all over the dinning room table. her husband is wearing a cooking bib and the frog is sitting next to the sink, she scream out loud, "WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOING ON"....The old man turns around and get up into her face and yells, "AS SOON AS I TEACH THIS FROG HOW TO COOK YOUR ASS IS OUT OF HERE".
The Statue.. : funny
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner!"
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly.
"The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around 2 a.m., the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
----
For decades, two nude statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park until one day, an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," the angel said, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, during which time you can do anything you want."
With a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. They smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dived behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself and he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.
After 15 minutes, they emerged, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looks at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?" Grinning even more broadly, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on it's head!"
----
So a guy goes to the doctor one day.
The doc says "How can I help you today sir?"
The guy says "Well d-d-d-doctor, I have this st-st-stuttering p-p-p-problem. Is there anything you can d-d-d-do?
The doc says "Well lets take a look," and proceeds to give him a full examination.
A few days later, he calls the guy in and says "We've examined your situation and it appears that you have an enlarged penis which is pulling down on your abdominal area, which then is putting stress on your lungs, and then to your trachea, which is what is causing the stuttering."
The man was dispirited.
"There's good news though," said the doctor. "We can perform an operation and attach a regular sized penis to you, which should cure your condition."
The man replied "Let's d-d-d-do it!"
So they perform the operation and everything goes off without a hitch. A few months go by, and the man comes back in.
He says "Hey doc, I really love having full control of my voice now, that part's great. Unfortunately, I've lost a few girlfriends recently because I can't seem to do the same things in bed anymore. Is there any way we can reverse the operation? Did you save my old penis in a jar or anything?
The doc replies "F-f-f-f-**** no!"
----
So Robinson is sitting on his island alone one day looking out across the sea, when he sees a cruise ship approaching. The ship lands and there is a lot of hulabaloo about finding Robinson after being stranded on a deserted island for 20 years.
A gorgeous, young journalist is on the ship, and she comes down and asks Robinson for an interview. Robinson, not being ashamed about being naked says, "Okay."
As the interview is going on, the journalist is getting more and more distracted by the fact that Robinson is naked and has a pronounced member.
She asks him, "Robinson, for 20 years you've been on this island alone, what did you do for sex?"
Robinson replies, "It wasn't easy, but, you see that tree stump over there?"
"Yes," she says,
"Well," he continues, "you see the hole in it?"
"Yes?" she answers.
"I had sex with that stump's hole for the last twenty years."
"Oh," she replies astonished, "I feel bad for you, you are a very handsome man, and after the interview, it would be a pleasure to give you the pleasure of sex for the first time in twenty years."
Robinson replies, "Alright, but I'm not sure you can handle it..."
She smiles. So after the interview, they find a spot and she undresses and lies down. Robinson looks at her, then he backs up about 20 feet. The journalist is a bit confused, still smiling though. Then Robinson starts running at her, and her smile is getting bigger and bigger. As he reaches her, he kicks her as hard as he can in the vaginè, and she starts screaming.
"Why, Robinson," she screams, "why would you kick me, we were about to have sex?!!??"
"Well maam," Robinson replies, "I had to check for squirrels."
----
So James gets shipwrecked on an island with a dog and a pig. They get along alright, but one evening, as they watch the sunset, James starts getting amorous feelings towards the pig. The dog, noticing this, starts growling, and James backs off and controls himself.
After a few years, a beautiful young woman gets shipwrecked on the same island. James is a perfect gentleman, and the woman slowly warms to his winning and charming disposition.
One evening, as they watch the sunset, she can no longer restrain herself. She tells James of her undying gratitude and her desire to repay him in some way.
James looks at her, and tells her that there is one thing he has been missing in his long years on the island.
The woman says she'd love to give him anything he desires.
James looks at her and asks, "Can you take the dog for a walk?"
----
Their's a old woman looking for a B-day gift for her husband, shes been married to him for over 30 years. So she heads into a shady street corner pet shop, and see a sign that states SEX FROG $500, she ask the clerk about it, and he reply's "Its suppose to be able to give the best blow jobs around, but IDK I've never tried it," Now she thinking about how much she hates to suck his cock, and that gagging on the pubs makes her want to vomit...I'LL TAKE IT!! she yells to the clerk.
So later that night while at the dinner table her husband asked, "Hey ol'ladie what cha got in the box there?..she slides the box down towards him and says.."Happy ****in birthday, I hope it does you a good job cause I'm finally done with it". he gives her a puzzling look while opening the box.. When he gets the box open he pulls the frog out and screams "What in the damn hell is this?' she reply's "Its a sex frog its suppose to give the best Bjs around , and I hope it ****in does the job, cause I'm not doing it anymore on ya. and if not I'm still not going to do it anymore.**** you I'm going to bed..
So at 4am the woman wakes to the sounds of pots and pans in the kitchen being banged around, she walks down stairs to see every cooking item is pulled out and turned on, with cook books scattered all over the dinning room table. her husband is wearing a cooking bib and the frog is sitting next to the sink, she scream out loud, "WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOING ON"....The old man turns around and get up into her face and yells, "AS SOON AS I TEACH THIS FROG HOW TO COOK YOUR ASS IS OUT OF HERE".
The Statue.. : funny
A Harvard man and a Yale man are at the urinal. They finish and zip up. The Harvard man proceeds to the sink to wash his hands, while the Yale man immediately makes for the exit.
The Harvard man says, "At Hah-vahd they teach us to wash our hands after we urinate."
The Yale man replies, "At Yale they teach us not to piss on our hands."
The Straight Dope: Why are men supposed to wash their hands after urination? Plus: urine therapy!
The Harvard man says, "At Hah-vahd they teach us to wash our hands after we urinate."
The Yale man replies, "At Yale they teach us not to piss on our hands."
The Straight Dope: Why are men supposed to wash their hands after urination? Plus: urine therapy!
