The Offtopic Thread

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A young boy was playing hide-n-seek. He decided to hide in his mother's closet. Suddenly, the mother came into the room with a man. They began making love, not knowing the boy was in the closet. Suddenly the boy's father pulled into the driveway. The mother, in a panic, rushed the man into the closet with the boy. They stood next to each other. "It's dark in here. "The boy said. "Yep." The man said. "I have a baseball." "That's cool." "I'll give you it for $500." "No way!" "...my dad is outside." The man sighed and pulled out his wallet.

A few days later, the boy was in his mother's closet again. Once again, the mother came into the room with the man. Soon, the father pulled into the driveway and the mother rushed the man into the closet. The man and the boy stood next to each other. "It's dark in here." The boy said. "Yep." The man said. "I have a baseball mitt." "That's cool." "I'll give you it for $500." The man thought about the last time and sighed. He pulled out his wallet.

The next day, the father was sitting in the dining room. The boy walked in. "Dad! I sold my baseball and glove!" He said. "Really? For how much?" The father said. "$1000!" The father's jaw dropped. "Son! You shouldn't overprice such things! I'm taking you to church so you can confess!" So, the father took his son to church and the boy went to confession. He waited until the pastor came. After a few moments, the boy spoke. "It's dark in here." "Don't start that shit again, kid!"
 
Sorry if this is a retread, but I've always liked this one...

Dave comes home after a long night of drinking at his favorite bar. His wife is asleep, so he tiptoes into the dark bedroom, undresses, puts on his pajamas, and slips into bed beside her. Moments later, he becomes aware of a tall figure standing at the foot of the bed.

“Who are you??” Dave demands.

The figure doesn’t reply. Dave rubs his eyes, and suddenly he realizes he’s no longer in his bedroom. He sees stars, and clouds, and behind the figure he sees an enormous gate… a Pearly Gate!

Dave gasps. “Are you… St. Peter?”

“That’s right, Dave,” comes the answer. “I’m afraid your years of hard living have finally caught up with you.”

“But I CAN’T be dead! I’m too young! There’s still so much I wanted to do!”

“I’m afraid you are, my son.”

“There must be some mistake! There MUST be! Please… PLEASE!”

St. Peter takes a scroll out of his pocket. He unrolls it and studies it. “Oh! It seems you’re eligible for a special we’re running this month. You CAN go back, but not in your old body. I can let you come back as… let me see… ah, here it is. You can come back as a hen.”

“A hen?” says Dave. “You mean a chicken?”

“That’s right. Take it or leave it.”

Dave sighs. “I guess I’ll take it.”

There’s a gentle POOF, and a moment later Dave finds himself in a compact little feathered body, sitting atop a box of straw. There’s another hen beside him.

“Hello,” she says pleasantly. “You must be the new girl.”

“Yes… I guess I am.”

“Well, you’ll be happy here. The henhouse is nice and warm, and the farmer is a kind man.”

“It looks nice,” says Dave. “But… I have the strangest feeling in the pit of my stomach.”

“Oh, that,” says the other hen. “That means you’re about to lay an egg. Surely you’ve done that before.”

“No, I never have.”

“Oh! Well, it’s very simple. Just relax, put a bit of pressure down there, and squeeze.”

Dave does as she says, and after a few seconds of straining, he feels an egg plop into the straw.

“I did it!” he shouts.

“Good! Simple, isn’t it?”

“Yes… and I think there’s another one coming!” Again he relaxes and squeezes, and another egg tumbles out. All at once he’s filled with a kind of ecstasy that touches the core of his being. As a man, he never knew how it felt to bring new life into the world. And now he does. He feels a sense of oneness with all the other mothers of the world. He’s a giver of life!

“Here comes another one!” he shouts joyfully. And plop, he delivers another egg.

Suddenly he feels someone shaking his arm. “Dave!” yells his wife. “Dave, you idiot! Wake up! You just shit the bed!”
 
Pappu Aur Uski Girlfriend Ek Din School Ke Ground Mein Bethe Thhe

Girlfriend Ne Kuch Sochte Hue Pappu Se Puchha: “Yaar, Ye Lal Killa Lal Kyun Hai?”

Pappu Bhi Majak Ke Mood Mein Tha Bola.

Pappu: “Kyunki, Rajnikant Ne Paan Kha Kar Us Par Pichkari Mari Thi, Ab Ye Mat Puchhna Ki Taj Mahal Safed Kyun Hai“
.....................

Man Dies. In Heaven He Sees A Large Wall Full Of Clocks.

He Asks Angel: “What Are These For?”

Angel Answers: “These Are Lie Clocks, Every Person Has Lie Clock! Whenever You Lie On Earth, Clock Moves.”

The Man Points Towards A Clock And Asks: “Whose Clock Is This?”

Angel Says: “Its Mother Teresa’s. It Never Moved, Showing That She Never Told Lie”

The Man Asks: “Where Is Indian Politician’s Clock?”

Angel Replies: “That’s In Our Office, We Use It As Table Fan“
.....................

Wife : Does my butt look bigger?

Husband : Yes... but at least it takes the focus off of your face
 
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